Holiday Humor

As Christmas draws near I feel I should add some laughter to what can be a stressful season.

What goes Ho, Ho, swoosh, Ho, Ho, swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door.

What’s a good holiday tip?
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

You know you’re ready for the holidays to wind down when…
You tell everyone you have to go home and the party is at your house.
You pick up a roll and butter your watch.

You know you bought a lousy Christmas tree if…
It’s very small and says air freshener on it.

What to say when you get a gift you don’t particularly like:
Well, well, well…
It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
Gosh, I hope this never catches fire.
If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious.
I really don’t deserve this.
I love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
To think I vowed to give all the gifts I got this year to charity.
Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
-Bernard Manning

“Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.”
-P.J. O’Rourke

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